London, England. When Getting Out is the Most Difficult Part

After a six hour flight I arrived at my friends apt at St George Wharf around 11pm. I left the dinner party early to catch up on sleep. The next day I was alone in the apartment contemplating my first day in this new city. I consulted the "Lonely Planet" guide for what to do,and yet....
There's always a certain amount of fear that builds when being alone in a new city. The longer I looked out from the apt balcony to the River Thames and the city of London, the more fearful I became. But from all my travel experiences I have learned that if I want to enjoy my time, it's ok to feel fear but i just have to do it anyway. The "doing it" part for me constituted just leaving the apartment. Ok, so although leaving the safety of my living environment to explore the unknown is difficult regardless of what city I find myself in, in London I found it virtually impossible. The door exiting the apartment did NOT HAVE A DOORKNOB!! (see pics provided). Something that I was capable of doing in NY (opening a door) turned into a twenty minute escapade.
This episode served to be what would become my London experience: everything I thought I knew, was different here; this included the words, the food and even the doors.

Family: Zany, Crazy, Funny, Beautiful...MINE!

Sometimes you have to leave all you know to realize all you already have.
This is my greatest lesson learned!!
Loving this opportunity for travel and all it entails but missing so much back home- my friends, my bed, my cute cozy NY apartment, my clothes, but most importantly...MY FAMILY!!!! I miss them all, and there are quite a few! ;)
Realize that a portion of this trip was running away. In October my little brother Pedro was killed in a car accident. It was so heartwrenching and difficult to deal with and did so alone(well not without friends and support but with no family nearby). Six weeks later, my uncle( who took me in (along with his amazing wife, my Aunt Cathe) and raised me and whom I consider like a father)was diagnosed with cancer. It just became too much pain to deal with. And so, as part of a solution, an attempt to run away from my hurt, pain and dissilusionment with life, I packed up my belongings and headed on this journey. After a billion tears and a lot of insight I have realized that as long as I choose to love- pain, hurt and loss is inevitable.
So here I am, feels like a million miles away and missing my family like crazy!!!! I´ve always said if my brother´s and sister´s were not related we may not be friends(we are sooo different) but I am so greatful that God has Blessed me with them. Crazy, silly, goofy and chaotic they are a part of me and have made me who I am.
And my friends- well, I see my friends as the family I have chosen.
I miss you all so much. Please know that while I am not currently with you, it is your love, laughter and all the memories that are sustaining me while I am away!

love n miss, Carolina

y para todo mi familia en Mexico-te quiero y te extrano mucho!

LOOKING BACK in GRATITUDE...INDIA

Elephant ride in Chilla National Forest

Indian Holy man

Yoga-posing under a Buddha tree in Varanassi

Man in Traditional Rajastani dress in Agra

Young Buddhist monks enjoying soda

Ok, so here in Berlin and having a difficult week. Really struggling with this whole cast thing-being uncomfortable and sweaty and itchy, going to doctors and police stations and the adjustment to my lifestyle-no yoga or bike-riding or even proper hair washing. Ahhhh the limitations of only having the use of one hand. So its made me generally grumpy and irritable. But today had a chance to download my pics from my India portion of this backpacking journey and it changed my perspective ENTIRELY. Reminded me how much I have already seen and expereinced on this trip and how grateful I am for it all. So I am currently broke, casted and in pain and discomfort but also know that this is only temporary.
Posting some of my fave India pics. Hope u enjoy :)

Broken in Berlin: Day One

My fingers may be broken but it appears my eyes are still able to produce (endless) tears :(

It is 12.01 am. My cast feels heavy and arm is in pain but I survived my first day. Only 41 more to go. HA! So after making phone calls last night and watching The Holiday felt a lil better. I desperately tried to get accustomed to falling asleep with my plastered arm-- a rather painful and uncomfortable endeavor. After  many hours, more tears, insoirational reading and prayers, i finally fell asleep.

I woke up this morning in acceptance of my situation. That lasted about...ummm....5 minutes! Just to take a shower I had to get help wrapping my hand in a plastic bag and attempted to wash my hair with one hand--not the easiest to do. I also discovered I can not put lotion on my own right hand. Walked out in the rain looking like a dork with my plastic bag covered left hand. With every new limitation encountered, fresh tears were spilt.

But then it changed. I saw a German woman on the train sitting across from me who had her leg in a cast. She saw my arm and we both laughed out loud. there is something so comforting about the power of identification. It made me feel not quite so alone. But then as the woman was leaving, her husband grabbed her bag for her and helped her out of the train. This reminded me how alone I really am. Loneliness on this trip has come and gone at different times. For the most part I can totally deal, but something about my current situation has made it rather difficult. I equate it to being sick and I am such a baby when I am sick. Just wanna stay at home and ignore the world while someone brushes my hair, feeds me ice-cream and tells me it will all be ok. Not that this has ever really happened for me prior but it has always been my secret fantasy when I'm not feeling 100%.

So anyway, I moved out of the church office today to stay with this really sweet girl Madeline. Struggled with packing and closing up my suitcases with one hand. This brought on a whole new tear-dropping session and more prayers to help me get through it. So basically day was tough and I struggled, a lot. But now that it is midnight it is a new day with another opportunity to try again. Have to say though as much as I wish i didn't have to pack alone, etc, I am so grateful that I am strong-willed enough to be able to.

I will leave you with a verse I love that is helping me.

*and in the pic of me with the Berlin sculpture please take your eyes off of HIM and notice my cast covered in a plastic bag :P

Lord I pray that You would open the eyes of their hearts that they may see You, and know that You are ever present in their lives.
prayer of Elisha. 2 Kings 6

Call centers, German police stations and Hospitals

Wish this email could be as lighthearted as ones prior but feeling a lil...heavy rght now :(
It all started last night(Wed 9) around 10:30 pm. Just left a pizza place and an American girl from Ohio I had met earlier. Saw a call center on the way back to the U-bahn and stopped in to call friends and family. no one answered so i left messages. the guy at the call place was trying to charge me more than the price he quoted before I made the calls so i told him to show me on the computer screen how he had formulated the charges. he got really angry and out of nowhere violently ripped the bag outta my hands while i was still holding onto it then locked me in the store, backed me in a corner and threatened to hit me with my bag.
Everything happened so quickly but was such a terrifying and traumatic situation. Luckily there was another guy on the computer who told the shopowner to calm down and let me go. I am very greatful that the other guy was there or else i think it would have been much worse but still amazed that the guy allowed the shop owner to treat a helpess female so violently without intervening sooner or more on my behalf. The second I got out of the shop, was shaken and bawling and
called the pastor from a street payphone. He showed up and we called the cops but the shopowner was just leaving the store and ran around the corner as soon as he saw the cops. The policemen sped off after him but to no avail. Christian and I rode in the cop car( a very nice BMW station wagon) and spent 2 hours at thepolice station where he acted as translator to the German speaking police. After leaving the station, we then spent another 2 hours missing trains and busses. We arrived back at the church office at 3.30 in the morning, 5 1/2 hours after the phone calls and incident. my finger was swollen to twice its size, blue and throbbing and I feared it was likely sprained.
Woke up this morning and my fingers appeared much worse, particularly my ring finger, and would not straighten out. Went to go on a sightseeing tour and met and had lunch with these 2 amazing women from Houston Texas, Ruthann and Janelle. Their company and perspective helped me to change my own about the situation. Instead of focusing on the problem-the angry unprovoked assault by the guy and my anger and aching fingers- i decided to focus on what lesson God could have been trying to show me in all this. I came up with 2; one being that I am very lucky that it wasn´t worse and two- that I had a # in Berlin to call and that that person, Christian, showed up for me and comforted and assisted me. As tough as I think I am-that I am independant and dont need other people- God showed me how wrong i was. Without the pastor´s assistance and the women and other strangers today, I dont know what I would have done!!! So earlier today my anger was replaced with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
THEN, I went to urgent care. Before I saw the doctor I was filled with anxiety and terror of the unknown and more pain. Praying helped ease some of that fear and I hoped that my doctor would as well. UNfortunately, that was not the case. My doctor was young but very rough with me. When I told him I was concerned my finger could be sprained he said that it was highly unlikely to happen without a severe fall or blow to my hands. Needless to say, his cold behavior on top of the fact that I was in a foreign place where I could not understand the language, made me more upset and I once again began to shed tears. The woman who took my X-Rays was not much better, she slammed and smashed my fingers on the X-Ray plate and was upset with me for not straightening them out flat. I tried to calmy explain to her that the very reason I was obtaining an X-Ray was because I was in fact unable to straighten 3 of my fingers flat. This is when she used force to flatten out my sad puffy blackened digits.
When we returned to the doctors office all of a sudden my mean young doctor was very kind to me-amazing what sympathy broken bones can bring. Yep, that is right folks- one finger is sprained and the other finger is BROKEN! My whole hand and arm is in a cast-for 6 weeks!!!!! then when it gets off they will determine if it healed properly and will be okay or if i will need surgery : (
Needless to say, this new information made me very sad, hurt, frustrated angry lonely and in pain :(
Seeing the X-Ray of my poor little ring finger-cracked and broken- and knowing that it happened not because of anything on my part but because of the assault and rage of an unprovoked attack just made the news that much more diificult to deal with. Luckily, as before, I was not alone and Christian took me to get food and movies before dropping me back off at the church offices. So now after having cried this evening, prayed and made phone calls I type this blog with one hand while my left is in a stiff heavy cast where it will reside for the next MONTH AND A HALF!!!!! :(
Its funny how before this I never realized the importance of your left hand but it assists in pretty much everything-shoe tying, holding stuff, putting on clothes, bathing, jah jah jah and now I will require the kind pity and assistance of others or just how to fend for myself with one arm. Yes, I only have 3 weeks left to this trip but wearing a cast is not exactly conducive to the solo backpacking adventure lifestyle PLUS, I will have the cast on for a month after my return to the states. Its funny how this one little thing changes a lot-all my sister Lori#s graduation pics will have her cast wearing sis in them, no yoga or photoshoots for me and having to wear a plastic bag over my cast to bathe or in the rain(which there is currently a lot of in Berlin).
So that is me and where I am at-sad upset and in pain.
I ask you all, my friends and family, for extra prayers please for my sanity and getting by, for this man to face the consequence of his actions and especially for proper healing of my hand so i will not have to face surgery in 6 weeks.
I love and miss you all so very very much!!!!
Please also do not worry about me. Yes, there is danger out there and I ran into some of it but more than anything this incident has proven to me that I have a God that loves me and will never leave me alone.
Love and Miss, Carolina

oh no!!

In Berlin and tried to add a pic to my last post and somehow erased it. oooopssss!! That is the problem with me not knowing any friggin German. Yeah so thinkin i was postin it i actually deleted it. maybe this is a sign i should learn some German. Got here just in time for a week of rain nut lovin it despite the weather.

My German neighborhood

In the air again......
Flew from Milan, Italy, to Hahn airport in Germany(an hour and a half away from Frankfurt) arriving exhausted in Frankfurt at 2:30 am. I walked from the train station to my hostel, Frankfurt Hostel, which was less than 5 minutes away. All of the next day was spent at the Buddhist monastery, Pagoda Phat Hue (this is where I would spend most of my first week in Frankfurt). The following day(Wed?) I walked to the Palm Garden through a beautiful neighborhood of peace, quiet and tree lined streets--an excursion I highly recommend. The nearby apartments in this lovely neighborhood resembled sorority houses, perfectly maintained brownstones and government style buildings complete with lions protecting the archways. I was loving it and imagining exchanging my shared hostel room for one of these beautiful, expensive properties. I was also wishing i knew how to ride a bike like everyone who passed me by. Bikes, BMW's and Mercedes were all that existed in that neighborhood. Spent the day at the Palm Garden and park, meditating and enjoying the sun. Did not return to my neighborhood till about 7:30pm.
This means, I was so distracted by gardens, monasteries and pretty houses that I did not realize what exactly my own ummmhmmmm..."neighborhood" consisted of untill two days after being there, although now I WONDER how i managed to miss it. For starters my hostel was situated directly between a kebab cafe and a sex shop. Let me clarify when i say SEX STORE, this was not your average rinky-dink hidden corner shop but this was "SEX WORLD" with live shows, fluorescent lights and 3 very large floors. I walked around to grab food and this is when i began to really notice my neighborhood and its inhabitants. The street "employees" were already out before 8 pm. These consisted of transvestites, girls so young and skinny offering their services and groups of hookers holding hands with their pimps. Was a little shocking to say the least but it would make since being that exactly one block away was Frankfurt's infamous red light district. It was here where i learned the origin of the term "Red Light." There are actually large red flashing lights, lamps and fluorescent red hearts to signify that these places are brothels. What was so crazy to me is that I had no idea!! I made my friend drive me around my newly realized neighborhood twice.
Back at my hostel I met a lot of fellow Mexican travelers including two really sweet young girls from Monterrey, Mexico who actually know my cousin in Linares.

I officially ran out of money in Milan but luckily the hostel allowed me to work in exchange for accomodation: I translated flyers and menus into Spanish and passed out flyers at the train station to largely uninterested passer-by's. Every local asked me why I was in Frankfurt for so long but I really enjoyed my stay. People at the hostel were friendly, the Sanga(monks and nuns) at the Monastery were wonderful and i was able to relax and read a lot. Funny cause my skin was broken out horribly, i was broke and my clothes were the same as before when i was bitching about them but somehow it was such a wonderful peaceful experience for me. With only 4 weeks left of my trip before i head back to the U.S, I am trying to make the most of it. That said, feel like i am on autopilot, sort of traveling through a black void with no idea what or where next. Not scared as to what that will be, just curious. The abbot equated me to the wind saying that i just kind of am, no one knows where i will end up next(nor do i)but that my presence is definitely felt and that it will all work out in the end, that eventually i will land somewhere.
To attest to the truth of that statement, I write this post in Brussels, Belgium where i have had 2 wonderful days sightseeing, visiting a Flemish castle and eating way too much chocolate and beyond what should be a daily limit of sticky, doughy, delicious Belgium waffles and. After only two days in Belgium, and nearly five pounds heavier, I am headed on a night train to Berlin just in time or else I may not fit into my one pair of (very dirty) jeans if i were to stay here longer.

I have come to realize that despite all my experience of living and traveling it is still hard for me to say goodbye. On Thursday I was at the monastery one last time and one of the young monks there asked me, by my first name, if i wanted to help set up for lunch. I informed him i was unable to because i had a train to catch to Berlin. I was already sad to leave but the experience just reinforced these feelings because it demonstrated that after a week of hanging out daily at Pagoda Phat Hue: meditating, crying, going to picnics and playing frisbee, that i was finally a part of. Just the night prior, after spending six hours at the monastery I was having a wonderful time helping the monks and nuns wash and put away the dishes after our lovely vegetarian meal. It felt nice to be useful as well as to just laugh and hang out. But i had to say goodbye that day. And today in Brussels I said it again, to my friends at the train station. I will see them again in NY but after 2 days of getting driven around the city by my Belgium host Eric, I must say goodbye to what I know and go to a city where i am forced to start all over again. Sometimes the "starting over" is new and exciting, at other times I find it lonely, exhausting and terrifying. As a result, sometimes I just end up isolating, on this trip more times than at other times. But the last 10 days I really felt like I belonged; it was so wonderful. So i am sad to say goodbye but once again grateful for the experiences had and the wonderful people I am meeting.
Later, off to Berlin now.

http://www.phathue.com/
http://www.palmengarten-frankfurt.de/englisch/englisch.htm
http://www.frankfurt-hostel.com/en/default.asp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7nifGlOeBg